Bank's CEO Search Skids Amid Toilet-Paper Flap

by Anil Whipple, TYDN Bailout Affairs Writer
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- (TYDN) Bank of America Corp. suffered a setback in its 10-week search for a chief executive after talks with the leading outside candidate ended over a dispute concerning toilet-paper thickness, forcing the board to reconsider two internal contenders, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Robert Kelly, the CEO of Bank of New York Mellon Corp., had jumped ahead of two top BofA executives to become the leading candidate to succeed Kenneth Lewis, who is set to retire at year's end, people familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

But even after BofA paid back the government's $45 billion bailout, in part to free it from pay limits so it could attract a top-notch CEO, the bank's board and Mr. Kelly couldn't reach a deal on how thick the toilet paper should be in the bank's Charlotte, North Carolina executive suite. Mr. Kelly had asked for a paltry pay package of about $20 million annually, but also demanded hefty 6-ply toilet paper, people with direct knowledge of the negotiations told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

"The board was OK with the $20 million a year but decided 5-ply toilet paper was the limit so discussions with Mr. Kelly have ended," at least three sources with direct knowledge of the deal told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "A gold-plated toilet was one thing. But 6-ply, that shocks the conscience."

Economists said it was the first time in recent memory a major U.S. company exercised outstanding corporate governance practices to curtail waste and protect its assets.

Shares of BofA soared in extended trading on the New York Stock Exchange. President Obama immediately praised the banking concern.

"I've been bashing bankers for months and this act of corporate responsibility wipes the slate clean," Obama said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

A White House spokesman declined to confirm or deny reports that the Oval Office is stocked with 7-ply.

Meanwhile, following Mr. Kelly's decision to withdraw from consideration, BofA directors may tap either Chief Risk Officer Gregory Curl or Brian Moynihan, president of consumer and small business banking, people familiar with the matter told TheYellowDailyNews.

Sources said these candidates were willing to accept a board-mandated 5-ply tissue limit so long as their compensation package included a "personal hygienic" bathroom assistant. The $20 million annually salary deal would also provide an exit package of $25 million no matter how well BofA or its stock performs.

Environmentalists hailed the proposal, saying 5-ply toilet tissue "is the greener route to go."

Photo:  The Consumerist

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Sales of Golf Club Woods' Wife Used Soar

by Duff Green, TYDN Golf Affairs Writer
BEAVERTON, Ore. – (TYDN) Sales of Nike golf clubs like the one Tiger Woods' wife used to beat him silly are soaring just in time for the holiday season, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The sales boost came days after Woods' wife, model Elin Nordegren, pounded him and his vehicle with a Nike Victory series iron after a tabloid reported the golfing sensation may have been cheating on his trophy wife, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Florida sources close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity, said it was a 5-iron, the club for "long and low line drives of about 180 yards."

The New York Times reported a 6-iron while USA Today, citing "sources familiar with the investigation," said the club was a putter. The Associated Press, meanwhile, quoting at least four sources "with direct knowledge of the incident," said Nordegren wielded a Callaway Golf Co. iron, sending Nike into a public-relations frenzy.

Phil Knight, Nike's chairman, responded in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that a Nike iron was indeed the culprit.

"Yes, Nordegren smacked Woods upside the head with one of our clubs," Knight said. "Any other brand of club would have killed him. Our clubs would never do that. They're unique."

Knight's confirmation lifted Nike's shares higher on the New York Stock Exchange.

A Florida Highway Patrol source said the agency is declining to file charges against the model.

"That's a privilege to get beaten by someone who looks like that," the source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews. "Christ sakes, she's not Elena Bobbit."

Meanwhile, Nike said the entire Woods Victory line has been selling like hotcakes since the Friday melee as wives stock up on the clubs for their husbands' Christmas gifts.

At least three Nike sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that many of the wives buying the clubs have nicknamed them "reminder clubs."

"These woman," the Nike source said, "say the clubs are about their love for their mate and a 'reminder' of sorts for their husbands of what they've got coming if they stray."

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Pilots Strike to Win Cockpit Napping Rights

Jennefier Duermas, TYDN Airline Affairs Writer
The nation's commercial airline pilots walked off the job late Thursday protesting the Federal Aviation Administration's ban on napping in the cockpit, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Pilot unions asserted there is reputable research supporting the theory that so-called controlled napping during flights can enhance safety by making crews more alert during descents and landings.

The proposed sleeping plan would allow one of a flight's two pilots to doze off in the cockpit for about an hour. The plan requires them to wake up before that allotted hour to avert a mid-air collision or free fall.

What's more, some pilot unions are also requesting conjugal visitation rights in the cockpit, and pilots have promised to perform cockpit sex as safely as they would fly the plane.

"It's not called the cockpit for nothing," said Dred Scottarski, a spokesman for the Southwest Airlines Pilots' Association, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Scottarski said the pilots' demands amounted to fairness. "Millions of bored Americans are asleep at their jobs everyday and it's now time pilots catch up to their peers," Scottarski said. "Hell, planes pretty much fly themselves nowadays."

Aviation historians said it was the first time since February, 2008 pilots have walked off the job to protest the FAA's anti-sleeping policy. That is when both pilots of a regional jet flying to Hilo, Hawaii from Honolulu fell asleep at 21,000 feet for about 20 minutes as air-traffic controllers on the ground frantically tried to awaken them.

What's more, United Airlines Pilots' Association is fighting the reprimand of pilot Hiemrich Smendricks, who was suspended two weeks without pay for co-mingling work and union activity, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The union is challenging UAL's decision to bill Smendricks $100,000 to pay for hundreds of barf bags and to re-upholster dozens of passenger seats after he handed out fliers to Los Angeles-to-New York-bound travelers urging them to support the "Pilot's Sleeping Bill of Rights."

An FAA spokesman, meanwhile, said the agency is reviewing the pilot unions' petition for napping and conjugal visitation rights. "The administration's commissioners are going to sleep on the request for a day or two," said Avery Plano, an FAA spokeswoman, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Avery said bowing to the pilots' demands would likely require the FAA to extend the same benefits to truckers, railroad engineers and subway operators.

Photo: Individuo

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'Ambitious Story Ideas' Win TYDN Pulitzer

by Julie Pretzel, TYDN Media Affairs Critic
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) TheYellowDailyNews was awarded the Pulitzer Prize on Tuesday in a new journalism category focusing on newsrooms with "ambitious story ideas" even though those plans never make it to print, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The New York-based Pulitzer board, taking its direction from the Oslo-based Nobel Peace Price committee that awarded President Barack Obama the top peace prize on Friday, said in a statement obtained by TheYellowDailyNews that TheYellowDailyNews' drive to "uncover graft in every corner of government in every city, county, state and federal building across the United States was a goal of laudable, and monstrous proportions."

The Pulitzer board said that, even though TheYellowDailyNews never embarked on those goals, having those goals nevertheless equated to deserving journalism's top prize.

"Wanting to expose government graft is the Holy Grail of journalism, regardless of whether you expose graft," Richard A. Oppel, the board's chairman, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "These are, by definition, ambitious story ideas."

Finishing a close second were several news outlets, including The Los Angeles Times, which earned an honorable mention for its ambition to be the first to report that Michael Jackson was still dead, weeks after his June 25th death.

The announcement that TheYellowDailyNews had won, which was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website, came the same day the Nobel committee defended its days-old and much-criticized decision to award Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Nobel committee granted him the Nobel in light of his calls for peace and cooperation, to reduce the world stock of nuclear arms, to ease U.S. conflicts with Muslim nations, to strengthen the U.S. role in combating climate change, to knock down the Berlin Wall again, and to invite women to his White House pickup basketball games.

"We simply disagree that he has done nothing," Nobel committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "On the same day we awarded him this prize of peace, for example, his administration was mulling sending 40,000 more 'peacekeepers' to Afghanistan."

Thonrhille Broome, an editor at large for TheYellowDailyNews, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that the news outlet was pleased with the Pulitzer board's decision.

"Although we know we have our critics, we were going to pursue the story once we got done researching the addresses of every city, county, state and federal building in America," Broome said. "Our researchers are combing through a football-field size pile of phone books right now to get those locations."

Broome said TheYellowDailyNews, a wholly owned subsidiary of TheYellowDailyNews LLC, was hoping to get an Internet connection perhaps as early as next year.

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Americans Say Healthcare for All is Communism

By Victor Kremlinski, TYDN Health Affairs Writer
BEND, Ore. -- (TYDN) Everywhere President Barack Obama goes to tout his healthcare reform bill, he's greeted with the awe and fascination associated with the U.S. presidency. But he's also being met by fierce opposition from ordinary Americans who say they'd rather become infected by an outbreak of the bubonic plague than see their loved ones or neighbors get subsidized medical treatment, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Nowhere was that sentiment more felt than here at the foot of the Cascades in this Southern Oregon skiing enclave, where most agree that Obama's plan amounts to communism. According to dozens of interviews conducted by TheYellowDailyNews, the majority of God-fearing Americans expressed alarm that Obama was going too far, that healthcare for all was simply unacceptable and goes against the grain of the American fabric.

"I'd just as soon as see my son catch the black plague from his schoolmates and die a horrific death than allow the government to become a Marxist regime and provide medical treatment that would have prevented the plague's outbreak in the first place," said David Applebee, an unemployed electrician who is receiving federal disability payments and food stamps after he was injured on the job. "I'd rather see every American lose an arm or become blind or come down with some God awful fever and die before caving into Sir Obama the Marxist."

That same mindset appears imbedded in all walks of life -- the rich and poor alike, according to TheYellowDailyNews' survey, the most exhaustive in the "I Hate Obama" space.

Consider, for a moment, Jackson Green, the president of Bend Savings, the local bank here that survived the economic meltdown with $775 million in federal bailout funds authorized under the George W. Bush administration. Green, who just received his annual $1.25 million bonus, said it was bad enough the government subsidizes school lunches.

"Now Obama wants to pay for American mooching bastards to have healthcare," he said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Let the free market prevail and if they get sick and die and infect everybody along the way, so be it. There's a serious principle at stake. We're not Russia."

Still, others supported the plan but said it didn't go far enough.

Local striptease artist Candie Azucars, in an exclusive interview at the Double Trouble cabaret here, said it was outrageous, sexist and unfair that the plan would only subsidize a single-breast augmentation. She would be required to pay all out-of-pocket expenses for the other breast.

"This just shocks the conscience," she said as she fastened her 34D brassiere as she left the wooden stage. "I gotta pay for one of my breasts to be augmented and yet the boys at the Banana Sling House across the street are fully covered for their penis enlargement. This is just wrong and smacks of female discrimination."

Photo: purpleslog

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Condé Nast Spares Dozens of Bridal Mags

by Eric Magnakowskivitch, TYDN Bridal Affairs Writer
NEW YORK – (TYDN) The Condé Nast publishing house, falling victim to the recession, is shuttering two bride-related magazines but retaining dozens of others in the coveted bridal space, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Chuck Townsend, Condé Nast president, said in an exclusive interview late Tuesday with TheYellowDailyNews that the unit of Advance Publications was killing its Modern Bride and Elegant Bride titles so it could focus on its other niche, bride-related titles.

Amid a working lunch of lobster, crab, caviar, Dom Perignon and French fries in his private hot tub inside the lavish Condé Naste headquarters here, Townsend said the magazine concern would continue publishing its celebrated Condé Naste bride titles, including: Quaker Bride, Trophy Bride, Transgender Bride, Bowling Bride, LeftHanded Bride, RightHanded Bride, Architectural Bride, Pregnant Bride, Knocked Up Bride, Cheating Bride, Conniving Bride, Divorced Bride, Divorced Twice Bride, Divorced Three Times Bride, Soon-to-be Divorced Bride, Married Bride, Milf Bride, Cigar Bride, Menopausal Bride, Psycho Bride, Teen Bride, Child Bride, Girl Bride, Mom Bride, Grandma Bride, Hot Bride, Hottie Bride, Sizzling Bride, Smoking Bride, Porn Star Bride, Tattoo Bride, Woman Bride, Virgin Bride, NonVirgin Bride, Sixteen Bride, Seventeen Bride, Perfect Bride, Pert Bride, Fat Bride, Obese Bride, Soon-to-be Obese Bride, Two-Bag Bride, Ginormous Bride, Skinny Bride, Thin Bride, Waif Bride, Bulimic Bride, Drunk Bride, Meth Bride, Heroin Bride, Crack Bride, Alcoholic Bride, Lithium Bride, Sober Bride, Recovering Bride, Golf Bride, Vogue Bride, New York Bride, World Bride, Christian Bride, Jewish Bride, Catholic Bride, Atheist Bride, Ultra-Rich Bride, Rich Bride, Poor Bride, Destitute Bride, Homeless Bride, Cheap Bride, TechSavvy Bride, Luddite Bride, Conservative Bride, Liberal Bride, Republican Bride, Democratic Bride, Proletariat Bride, Socialist Bride, Bourgeois Bride, Happy Bride, Super Happy Bride, Ecstatic Bride, Melancholy Bride, I Hate My Parents Bride, Gay Bride, Lesbian Bride, Boy Bride and, among others, Man Bride.

"Condé Nast's success comes from the ability of our publications to attract readers with a wide range of interests, as well as advertisers who value them," Townsend said in the exclusive interview. "But in this economic climate it is important to narrow our focus to titles with the greatest prospects for long-term growth."

Analysts, however, expressed alarm over the elimination of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride. They said advertisers are likely to look to other publishers with a more clear focus on the bridal industry.

Townsend countered, saying the company was still focused on and committed to the bridal space. White Bride, Black Bride, Yellow Bride, Brown Bride, Ebony Bride, Hispanic Bride, Chinese Bride, Japanese Bride, Asian Bride, African Bride, African-American Bride and Irish Bride would increase in frequency from monthly to weekly, he said. "This should solidify us," he said, "as the most important brand when it comes to the all-important bridal genre, especially in the cutting edge, race-related bridal sector."

Photo: kattekrab

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States Embrace 'Reanimation' to Boost Execution Stats

By Thomas Cryonetic, TYDN Execution Affairs Writer
States are boosting their lethal execution numbers with the help of scientists reanimating condemned inmates moments after they have paid the ultimate price for their crimes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

After being declared dead, the inmates are brought back to life before being lethally injected again – a two-pronged process sometimes undertaken several times, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The reanimations -- in which dozens of condemned men and women from California to Virginia have been executed more than once each -- is intended to show the public that the states are tough on crime, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. Reanimation also gives surviving victims a chance to relish in the moment and witness the perpetrator of heinous acts die twice or more.

Penal historians said it was the first time the authorities have resorted to reanimation in an apparent bid to increase their execution numbers. Normally, the authorities plant and tamper with evidence or provide ineffective assistance of counsel.

The reanimations are also likely to give the U.S. Supreme Court another crack at capital punishment. The high court has ruled executing inmates is not a violation of the Eighth Amendment ban on cruel and unusual punishment. But the court has never addressed the constitutionality of repeated executions on the same inmate.

Crime victims groups, meanwhile, are urging the states to adopt a two-execution minimum for each condemned inmate to deter crime. Doctors groups, including the American Medical Association, expressed alarm over reports that some of its members on execution teams were using needles twice in one evening "without swabbing with rubbing alcohol," said Nancy Nielsen, AMA president."Such unsanitary executions violate the Hippocratic oath."

The American Civil Liberties Union, meanwhile, said the whole procedure was flawed and inhumane. "You cannot execute a man without giving him his last meal," Anthony Romero, the ACLU's executive director, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

What's more, the reanimation revelations, first reported by TheYellowDailyNews on its website, have left many ethicists scratching their heads, wondering whether states, including leading death-penalty state Texas, were fudging their huge execution numbers to look tough on crime.

"We were always wondering how Texas could have logged 441 executions in the last three decades alone," death penalty Chicago University ethicist Richard Lethalio told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Planting evidence and appointing boneheaded public defenders is one thing, reanimating is another."

Still, Lethalio and other ethicists' initial concerns that the reanimation technique would be used to awaken the dead outside the execution chamber have subsided. The secret technique has been patented for use only in state-sanctioned executions.

Photo: Zaldylmg

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Cross Burnings Ignite 'Family Values' Debate

By Chester Molenestar, TYDN Family Affairs Writer
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -- (TYDN) Federal authorities are investigating a spate of lynching and cross burning nationwide: The frightening scenes, once of the civil rights era, are being perpetuated by a growing coalition of "concerned and wholesome parents" worried about children and family values, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least eight Federal Bureau of Investigation sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews early Tuesday that the animosity stems from these parents' disdain that their parental counterparts allow their children to walk to school or play outside without adult supervision – sometimes for minutes at a time, the FBI sources said. These sources said race was not the motive.

The federal officials expressed alarm over the Ku Klux Klan-style methods of terror, including the kidnapping and torture of some elementary school-aged kids "to teach these parents how wrong it is to let their children out of their eyesight," an FBI source told TheYellowDailyNews.

At least one U.S. historian, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, acknowledged it was the first time in American history that neighborhood strife was born absent prejudices in color, religion and social-economic status.

"This is the first time in American history that neighborhood strife was born absent prejudices in color, religion and social-economic status," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton historian  and former Nixon administration official, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "We've never seen anything like this. Usually, everybody just surfs the Internet or watches TV in their free time."

The authorities said the marauding group of parents calls itself, "The Wholesome Family Against Children Walking and Playing Absent Adult Supervision," or TWFACWAPAAS for short.

Many members are sporting tattoos emblazoned with TWFACWAPAAS, the authorities said. Several motor vehicle departments across the nation have denied vanity license plates displaying TWFACWAPAAS, prompting First Amendment challenges.

"Apparently, the atrocities plaguing American neighborhoods are the alarming work of a growing group of concerned and wholesome parents called TWFACWAPAAS worried about the children and family values," an FBI source, requesting anonymity because of the sensitivity of the topic, told TheYellowDailyNews after being granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

"In many instances," the source added, "TWFACWAPAAS members would kidnap children on their way to school, while waiting at the bus stop or playing in the park, just to teach their loser parents of the dangers of allowing their children out of their eyesight. The unspeakable perpetrated by the TWFACWAPAAS goes without saying, and many local police departments would look the other way."

TheYellowDailyNews could neither immediately nor independently verify the FBI's claims.

Photo:  Image Editor

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'Holy Grail' Twitter Coverage Wins NY Times Pulitzer

by Linus Blanketship, TYDN Media Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The New York Times won the media battle Thursday in social-networking coverage, taking home the Pulitzer Prize for being the first to report someone engaging in sex acts while using the popular microblogging site Twitter, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The Pulitzer Prize Board said The Times' coverage exemplified "the Holy Grail of quality journalism, and Twitter coverage in particular." The committee added that the paper's 80-member Twitter reporting team "faced stiff competition from dozens of media outlets, both online and print, that had been scouring Twitter in what best can be described as one of the greatest public-service endeavors since Woodward and Bernstein."

Honorable mentions included Wired's report of the first person defecating while on Twitter. The Associated Press was mentioned as another runner up for its recent coverage of Iranian dissidents using the 140-character Twitter service to plot protests amid a government crackdown.

Media historians said it was the first time in Pulitzer history that the prize went to a 10,000-word article – Sex Acts Meet Twitter -- that had meaning and engaged the general public.

"Usually, the prizes are given to reporters who uncover graft, corruption, pollution and government waste," Tim Histo, a Harvard University historian, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Many people find such topics boring. This Twitter story was the convergence of a perfect storm of sorts: Twitter and sex."

The New York Times, in an exclusive statement to TheYellowDailyNews, said its investigative reporters recently received an anonymous tip that somebody had registered the username SexOnTwitr. Reporters scrambled to that Twitter page and found this garbled message: "Dude, I'm having sex while tweeting. Schwing!"

The investigation concluded that it was the twitterer's first tweet. For privacy reasons, The New York Times did not publish the SexOnTwitr's account holder.

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Stock Market Shuttered, Declared Ponzi Scheme

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK – (TYDN) Culminating a swift and nearly 80-year investigation, federal regulators shuttered U.S. stock markets early Tuesday after declaring them a "classic Ponzi scheme," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Sources close to what insiders described as "the longest-running investigation in U.S. history" – second in length to the hunt for Osama bin Laden -- said chief executives at the New York Stock Exchange and the NASDAQ Stock Exchange were being rounded up and arrested in connection with a record-setting financial fraud totaling trillions of dollars. Thousands of brokers, bankers and others assisting in the massive scam were also being arrested nationwide.

Stunned onlookers watched along Wall Street here as regulators tossed Wall Street Journal executives into the paddy wagon, accusing them of creating a leading stock-tracking index -- the Dow Jones Industrials -- enticing tens of thousands of victims along the way. Hundreds of suit-and-tied executives were seen jumping from their penthouse windows or corner offices.

"The whole financial system appears to be founded on a classic Ponzi scheme, just like the Social Security retirement system," a well-placed Securities and Exchange Commission official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "New investors were enticed to get in because they saw the early adopters making money. Eventually, the system implodes on itself, a phenomena we just learned about that has secretly been called a 'correction' or a 'crash.'"

Historians said it was the first time in U.S. history regulators have raided and shuttered leading equities exchanges since the New York Stock Exchange was founded in 1817.

Meanwhile, defense attorneys decried the allegations, saying the markets were not a Ponzi scheme but instead symbolized "the fabric of the American Way."

"This just shocks the conscience that the government would declare the fabric of the American Way a scam," defense attorney Cash Shyzsteeshia said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "What are they going to target next: lawyers and pay-to-play lobbying?"

Entrepreneurs seized on the shakeout, immediately hawking specially crafted mattresses advertised as "replete with hidden storage compartments to securely store your life savings." Warranties lasted up to five years, but were null and void for smokers.

The authorities discovered the latest Ponzi scheme about a month ago as they were readying indictments stemming from the Great Depression "crash" eight decades ago in which equities lost about 90 percent of their value, sources familiar with the probe told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The term Ponzi stems from Charles Ponzi, an Italian immigrant who stole about $1 million from U.S. investors in a 1920 postage stamp scam resembling the now-defunct U.S. equities market.

Photo: onohoku

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Every Member of Congress Being Indicted

by Thornhille Broome, TYDN Editor at Large
CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Prosecutors here are readying a federal indictment against all members of Congress on allegations of "honest services fraud," the same law being invoked to prosecute high-profile defendants including former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat Barack Obama was vacating after winning the presidency, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

At least six sources with direct knowledge of the probe, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews early Thursday that the Chicago indictments and arrests could come down perhaps as early as Monday. Legal experts said it was the first time in U.S history that prosecutors have moved to indict all of Congress.

The federal sources said Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the U.S. attorney for northern Illinois, has convened a federal grand jury here in a bid to indict the 100 Senate members and the 435 House representatives "for committing honest services fraud against the people of the United States of America."

Defense attorneys decried the allegations, saying the law in question was so vague it could lead to the indictment of a ham sandwich. The 28-word statute includes language making it illegal to perform "a scheme or artifice to deprive another of the intangible right of honest services."

The anticipated indictments come as the U.S. Supreme Court is weighing the constitutionality of the 21-year-old statute that recently ensnared the likes of media mogul Conrad Black, Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling and lobbyist Jack Abramoff. In February, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote that the corruption law (.pdf) was so poorly crafted that it could cover "a mayor for using the prestige of his office to get a table at a restaurant without a reservation."

Local and state lawmakers, meanwhile, started worrying that they, too, would fall under Fitzgerald's sword.

Details of the charges being levied against Congress were not immediately available. But sources suggested the allegations relate to lawmakers having already generated a combined $219.5 million campaign war chest a year before the 2010 elections.

That means each legislator has, on average, received $410,280 from special interests for a job paying annual wages of $165,200 – and not all lawmakers are up for renewal.

"If this doesn't fit the definition of honest services fraud, then I don't know what does," a federal prosecutor familiar with the pending indictments told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews because of the sensitivity of the topic.

"This just doesn't pass the smell test," the source continued, "and doesn't even begin to scratch the surface."

Photo: OpenCongress.org

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SEC Vindicated in Madoff Ponzi Scandal

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Wednesday it was vindicated from "any and all" scrutiny after it was revealed accused swindler Bernard Madoff had never made a single stock trade the past 13 years, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

When Madoff was arrested in December, defrauded investors took out their anger at the SEC, wondering aloud how the stock market watchdog agency could have let the $50 billion swindle happen even after it received tips from whistle blowers about Madoff's fraud years ago. But on Wednesday, the agency declared victory and said it never took action against Madoff because he never made any stock trades.

"This goes to show that the SEC was doing its job and only investigating real stock fraud, not made up stock fraud," said Christopher Cox, the SEC chairman who stepped down after President Barack Obama assumed the presidency. "Alleged stock fraud does not come under our purview. Had he made actual trades, we would have been all over that. Any and all scrutiny of the SEC under my tenure must be set aside."

Revisionist economics historians said it was the first time in U.S. history the SEC was falsely accused of looking the other way as thousands of investors were defrauded.

All the while, federal lawmakers began arguing that the Obama administration is over-regulating the economy even as the government injects trillions of dollars into the economy to ensure executives enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers and their failures.

In the Madoff affair, meanwhile, the SEC announced its vindication five days after Irving Picard, the court-appointed trustee supervising Madoff's assets, told investors that there was no trace of Madoff ever making any stock trades despite his thousands of customers having received receipts purporting to document his trades on their behalf.

"We have no evidence to indicate securities were purchased for customer accounts," Picard told Madoff investors Friday. "This is a case where weâ..re going to be looking at cash in and cash out."

The SEC announced Wednesday that defrauded investors must first apologize to the SEC before receiving a bailout of as much as $500,000 each.

Madoff, the former NASDAQ chairman, is accused of bilking investors out of $50 billion. Pending a 2012 trial date, Madoff is being confined under house arrest at his Manhattan penthouse because the jails are too filled with drug offenders and shoplifters considered a danger to society.

His attorneys said they intend to seek dismissal of the charges based on the fact that no stock fraud was committed.

"The trustee's report confirms my client's innocence," said Ira Lee Sorkin, a Madoff attorney. "These charges shock the conscience."

Photo: Bearman2007

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New 'Google It' Definition: 'Screw You Lazy Bastard'

by Charles Lingualia, TYDN Staff Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Merriam-Webster linguists are tweaking the definition of the popular term -- Google It -- in a bid to keep up with a growing population too stupid to think for itself or too lazy to engage coworkers, friends and family members, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The phrase Google It originally entered the 11th edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in 2006 to define using the Google online search engine "to obtain information." Several Merriam-Webster sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the dictionary publisher is expected to expand on that term in its newest addition set for release next month.

According to the text of the phrase's forthcoming second definition, which was obtained by TheYellowDailyNews, linguists have settled upon: "Screw you lazy bastard leave me alone I don't have time for you."

Language critics immediately blasted the timing of the changeover, saying the Google It second definition should have been updated at least a year ago.

"Everybody knows that that is what the term Google It means, and yet it took Merriam-Webster this long to actually put it in the dictionary," said Harvard University linguist John Salisbury. "This shocks the conscience."

Merriam-Webster spokeswoman Joannes de Garlandia said internal company discord was, in part, cause for the delay. "There was a big disagreement on whether the new definition should finish with the word jackass or dickwad," de Garlandia said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "After months of discussion, we decided the definition we came up with was more than adequate "

Photo:  Mykl Roventine

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Bonds’ Penis ‘Shrinkage’ Subject of Steroid Trial

by Charles Duffymeister, TYDN Staff Writer
SAN FRANCISCO -- (TYDN) Barry Bonds' penis and testicle size is likely to have a deep impact on whether the homerun king is convicted at his upcoming trial on accusations he lied to a 2003 federal grand jury when he testified he never knowingly used steroids, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Federal prosecutors here are expected to call Kimberly Bell, the San Francisco Giants slugger's former girlfriend, who is to testify that Bonds' ballsack and penis shrank "noticeably" when he began using what authorities allege was steroids sometime around the year 2002.

Medical experts are expected to testify in the long-running investigation that shrinkage and reduced staying power are common side effects of steroid use in athletes, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"He used to f#%k on me pretty hard and his balls would slap me," Bell said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "But when he started injecting steroids, there was noticeably some major shrinkage and flacidness, and his balls stopped slapping me. Obviously, I grew disappointed and we eventually split up."

Legal experts said it was not the first time a penis would be used against its owner.

In her exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, Bell said she would testify that the Major League Baseball homerun leader's penis shrank in firmness from the size of a cucumber to "a jarred grocery store pickle." His testicles, she said, "once resembled hard-boiled eggs and shriveled to Hershey Kiss sizes."

People familiar with Bonds' ballsack and penis said Bond's defense team is expected to grill Bell when she takes the stand at next month's trial here.

They suggested that Bonds' penis and balls only seemed bigger when the homerun king had shaved his pubic hair. He stopped shaving shortly after the couple became intimate, sources with firsthand knowledge of Bonds' penis and ballsack told TheYellowDailyNews.

"As you know, a man's penis and balls might seem bigger when they're not encased by a ton of pubic hair," defense attorney John Keker told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "The evidence is uncontroverted that Barry has a ton of pubic hair. Everybody knows that."

Bonds, 44, is charged with 10 counts of lying to a federal grand jury here investigating the BACLO steroid ring. He testified he was never injected with steroids and said he thought he was ingesting flaxseed oil.

The former San Francisco Giants slugger and seven-time most valuable player hit his 762nd home run in 2007, the last year he played professional baseball.

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Limiting Executive Pay Unfair to CEOs, America

by Jonathan Montoblan, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's plan to cap annual pay at $500,000 for top executives whose companies accept federal bailout funds is not good for America, executives and children, according to an analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

The analysis, the most exhaustive in the bailout sphere, concluded that the CEO pay ratio of 360 times the average worker is the only way to keep America's free enterprise humming. If the ratio were tightened, as Obama has proposed, wannabe executives would decline to emulate their superiors and hence not rise to their level of incompetence.

"This would leave American enterprise leaderless," according to TheYellowDailyNews' analysis. "And as it pertains to lower-level workers, they would not be able to respect executives or feel it necessary to empty executives' $50,000 trash cans or clean their $100,000 shower curtains."

Capping executive pay could create what the analysis concluded would amount to a "brain drain of epic proportions in which executives who have run their companies into the ground would defect to higher paying companies so they can run those businesses into the ground as well."

"It shocks the conscience that Barack Obama wants to turn a $1 trillion bailout into a socialist program by actually telling free enterprise how much it should pay its executives," Thomas J. Donahue, president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Millions of single mothers get $500 per month of welfare benefits, but yet the government isn't demanding a reduction for this handout. This is patently unfair."

Meanwhile, the study found that suicide rates of financially broken executives are likely to skyrocket, leading to broken homes as well.

"Executives whose pay was capped at $500,000 annually would be embarrassed to come home where they cheat on their wives with their nannies," the study said. "Gold-digging wives probably would leave their husbands for higher paying executives, forcing executive family children to get by on a paltry $20,000 a month in child support."

The study also concluded that lowering executive pay was a safety issue. The executives' limousine drivers and jet pilots, according to the study, "might purposely crash their vehicles out of disdain that their bosses earn only $500,000 per year."

The study also said a reduction in executive pay would hurt those in poverty by reducing the amount of taxes executives avoid paying.

According to U.S. Census figures, about 8 million U.S. families live in poverty, which the bureau defines as about $21,000 in annual income for a family of four.

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Bongmaker Ending Phelps Sponsorhip

by Charlenne Mota, TYDN Olympics Affairs Writer
EUREKA, Calif. -- (TYDN) Bongmaker Tokem Enterprises Ltd. is set to discontinue its lucrative sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps following a British tabloid's publication of a photo of the gold medalist puffing from a rival company's marijuana pipe, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Tokem Enterprises, of Eureka, Calif., is expected to sever its ties with Phelps as early as Wednesday, two Tokem Enterprises officials told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The sources said Phelps breached a non-compete clause in the $25 million contract.

On Sunday, British tabloid News of the World published a photo showing Phelps -- who won eight Olympic gold medals in Beijing last summer -- inhaling deeply from a marijuana pipe produced by UK-based Roor Bongs. "Bong toking is no laughing matter," a well-placed Tokem Enterprises official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The online bongosphere is questioning the integrity of our products because of this unfortunate breach of contract."

Phelps apologized for letting down a sponsor.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my sponsors, fans and the public it will not happen again."

United States Olympic Committee spokesman Darryl Seibel said the committee was outraged by Phelps' conduct, and was concerned that Tokem Enterprises may drop its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic snowboarding team. "Phelps' behavior shocks the conscience," Seibel said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "The committee has been in touch with Tokem Enterprises and we let them know that we're disappointed with Phelps and, going forward, we expect different and better conduct."

A high-ranking Roor Bongs official, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said the bongmaker was in official discussions with Phelps' agent, Peter Carlisle, to offer Phelps perhaps $50 million over 10 years to be the brand's pitchman.

Sources said the Roor Bongs deal likely would include a joint ad campaign with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Photo: Caveman 92223 -- On the Road Again!

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Internet Before Computers, Schools and Hospitals

by Mosufufu James, TYDN African Affairs Writer
ENTASOPIA, Kenya -- (TYDN) The road here from bustling Nairobi winds 100 miles, giving way from asphalt to sand to a maze of cracked desert flats, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In this meager outpost of agricultural subsistence, there is no electricity, running water, hospitals, banks, schools, cars, newspapers or computers. But Google Inc., in a bid to bring this kerosene-lighted town to the modern age, is installing free, satellite-based Internet access to be delivered at the local internet cafe that does not exist in this town of 4,000.

It's part of Mountain View, Calif.-based Google's plans to retain its online dominance while spreading the Internet to the world's fringes. The United Nations applauded the move, saying the promise of Internet access and steaming pornography -- might be the flame that ignites Entasopia and other small outposts across the globe to begin feeding and educating their young.

"This carrot-and-stick approach, of the promise of Internet porn, is a brilliant idea to get countries to progress," U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "If we gave them food. They would just eat it. If we gave them seed, they'd just plant it and eat the fruits of their labor."

Jared Chenyani is a typical Entasopia resident, and is excited about the Internet's arrival. He speculated that he would sell his wife and family into slavery and prostitution so he could buy a computer.

He just finished scavenging firewood the 31-year-old plans to heat his tiny mud hut where he and his wife and five children reside. Often, the family boils and eats the weeds surrounding their domicile while wife, Dorothy, breastfeeds all the children ranging in ages from 10 to six months.

"Perhaps I can use Google Earth to help me locate more firewood and more weeds to boil," Chenyani said in exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

He said he was not sure where he would plug in the computer.

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Stocks Soar Amid ‘Very Heinous’ Outlook

by Elisa Torro, TYDN Financial Affairs Writer
NEW YORK -- (TYDN) Stocks soared Friday as investors reacted to "very heinous" quarterly earnings reports by dozens of companies in every leading sector, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Investors bid up Yahoo, Bank of America, Wal-Mart, Genentech and other major financial indicators in a scene reminiscent of a U.N. food camp in war-ravaged Somalia. Analysts had expected "extremely heinous" earnings, not the "very heinous" results that came in Friday showing losses were only in the high double digits for the quarter -- not the low triple digits as projected year over year.

In response, the Dow Jones Industrials, the S & P 500 Index and the Nasdaq Composite Index skyrocketed roughly 5 percent in afterhours trading as companies announced they would have posted huge earnings if their companies had competent management, or actually sold or produced something in the fourth quarter. Wall Street reacted positively as the companies also announced they would have generated huge returns had they not paid their executives tens of millions of dollars each, and had they not had to pay for supplies, employees, taxes, rent or other financial obligations.

Analysts surveyed by Thompson Reuters had anticipated fourth quarter results would amount to the worst since the Great Depression. But the results posted Friday showed that the economy was a fraction away from being the worst since the Great Depression, sparking a "buy" climate on all the major exchanges.

"We were predicting about 650,000 Americans would lose their jobs during the fourth quarter, not just a mere 600,000 as the recent data indicate," Lehman Bros. analyst Rebuya Nowa said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This is better than expected. We upgraded the entire market from "dump" to "buy."

In response to the earnings data, the Obama administration and Congress agreed to provide the companies $819 billion in "stimulus" money, with a safeguard that only 50 percent of it be earmarked for the nation's top executives. The other 50 percent was conditioned to be used solely for lobbying purposes -- "so the bailout money finds its way back to Washington where it belongs," Obama said.

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Devil Hacks Pope’s YouTube Channel

by Viktor Romanov, TYDN Religion Affairs Writer
VATICAN CITY -- (TYDN) Millions of Catholics worldwide panicked Monday when Pope Benedict XVI's new channel on YouTube was hacked by alleged devil worshippers or perhaps by Satan himself, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The hackers, believed to be from the actual underworld or the hacking underworld, allegedly altered the Vatican's videos and displayed what appeared to be the pontiff transforming into Satan, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews, the most exhaustive investigation into what insiders privately have dubbed "Operation Pope-Satan-YouTubeGate."

It was the first time in recent memory that the Holly See's YouTube channel was hacked. The Vatican's first YouTube broadcast appeared Friday.

In response to watching the papacy mutate into what experts suggested was the devil, an untold number of the pontiff's flock began jumping from buildings, pulling out their eyes and, in some instances, binge drinking blood, according to reports. The Church immediately excommunicated those members of the flock as punishment for their sins.

"Right before God's eyes and all, the pope started to grow horns," one Vatican official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "It was the worst sudden loss of faith in the Church since the sexual molestation scandal that everybody but the abused altar boys has forgotten about."

YouTube, a unit of Google, immediately pulled the Vatican's channel in a bid to quell the hysteria.

The Pope has been sequestered here amid rumors of an ongoing exorcism, sources close to the alleged exorcism said.

Still, other rumors suggest the papacy was having heavenly discussions with Apple CEO Steve Jobs on hopes of building a Vatican "app" for the iPhone. But the negotiations appeared deadlocked as each claimed he was closer to God, sources close to the alleged meeting told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

On Monday, in one of the pope's first foray's on YouTube, the pontiff's alleged mutation into Satan began as Benedict was welcoming viewers to this "great family that knows no borders" and said he hoped they would "feel involved in this great dialogue of truth."

The pope was trying to broaden his audience by joining the wannabe musicians, college pranksters and water-skiing squirrels on YouTube, the popular video-sharing website. A YouTube source said it was reviewing its security apparatus.

While the YouTube initiative was novel, it was in keeping with the 2,000-year-old Church's history of using whatever means available to communicate: parchment, printing press, radio, television and now the Internet.

Insiders suggested that, until Monday's hack, the pope's homilies were anticipated to reach millions of viewers -- the converted and the non-converted alike -- while giving the Holy See better control over the pope's Internet image. That hope, however, apparently backfired.

Law enforcement agencies from across the globe were engaged in an intense manhunt for the hackers, who finished their hack by broadcasting this garbled message: "We have to go. Our parents say it's time to eat dinner."

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First Lady: Obama Honeymoon ‘Didn’t Last Long’

by Gomer Pilon, TYDN Politcal Affairs Writer
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President Barack Obama's presidential honeymoon was short and did not last but "a few minutes," TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

First Lady Michelle Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews early Wednesday, said the United States' new president "didn't last long" during Tuesday night's presidential honeymoon, which she suggested the pundits had "greatly exaggerated in size and scope."

"Everybody was suggesting that it would last at least 16 months, the time he promised to pull troops out of Iraq," the first lady told TheYellowDailyNews. "Let me tell you. It fell apart within a few minutes. He pulled out quickly."

The first lady's revelation marks the first time in U.S. presidential history an electoral honeymoon fizzled moments after its inauguration, historians said. Presidential honeymoons usually last 100 days or more -- depending on circumstances -- a proposition the nation's first lady suggested was an exaggeration of "mythical proportions."

"Not even Viagra," the first lady said, "could awaken from the dead a honeymoon that the pundits were saying would last until the economy springs back to life, the troops were home from Iraq and there was health coverage for all."

Still, presidential advisors said the president has managed to remain unscathed by any missteps he has made. His ability to ask for patience depends in no small part on the first lady and public's confidence in his competence and motives.

"What's remarkable about the polls is that people are at once optimistic and realistic," David Axelrod, a President Obama senior advisor, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "They have high hopes for his presidency. They understand how deep the morass is. And that's a good position to be in."

But despite the president's crispness and certitude to remain vibrant in the aftermath of his assumption of office, aides said the first lady is growing impatient, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The president's ability to slow-walk some campaign promises, these aides told TheYellowDailyNews, would also be affected by how well he maintains his standing and continues to project an air of command.

"So far," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said, "President Obama has managed to remain unscathed by any missteps he has made, but his ability to ask for the first lady's patience depends in no small part on the public's confidence in his competence and motives, including his push to close Guantanamo Bay."

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